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Thursday, 12 June 2003
a bit of Q and A
Mood:
 accident prone
A devoted fan recently asked me:
did you see that dipping sauce commercial where at the end thay say "were out of food guys" and everyone looks at the dog and the dog looks at the cat? are they implying that they may eat the pets? did i just actually type this?
I steadfastly replied,
Yes indeed, I believe that the implication is not only that they will be eating the pets (both of them, the staring at one another is a signal of mutual dread and aknowledgement of a life well lived) but that pets in general should be considered, at some point in everyone's life, as a consumable foodsource. Our South Korean friends have been well aware of this fact for years, and have made several attempts to market Dog Soda, with some degree of success. It is my assesment that instances like this one, in commercials, television programs, or movies, will continue with a growing frequency, aimed specifically at reducing the pet population. From this we can deduce the source of this campaign. Clearly, the man whose interests have been most directly linked to this outcome is none other than daytime gameshow host Bob Barker (perhaps some resentment regarding his last name has been the root of his "ZPG" policy towards pets). See the truth as it lay before you. Its name is Barker.
Posted by pudbat
at 11:26 PM EDT
Two mittens walk into a bar
There can be only one.
If there's one thing in this godforsaken world that I need to see before I cut my hands and feet off and die as I eat them with chopsticks that I shoved into my bloody stumps, it's this:
Arby's oven mit battle to the death against Hamburger Helper oven mit.
A thrilling battle is sure to insue as these two animated safety mittens battle it out. Yeah, that Arby's mit seems a little more intelligent, a little more sassy, a little more "now," but don't count out the steely silence of an eighties icon. Hamburger Helper knew he was up to task back in the day, and I'd put money on his doling out some destruction.
One Two Three Four... I declaire thumb war.
Because we have no fingers.
Oven mit battle to the death!
Posted by pudbat
at 11:13 PM EDT
This is funny enough to be a post of its own.
Three guys go into the theater to see 2 Fast 2 Furious.
The one says to the other, "How does this stupid movie end?"
Eric Toffey says, "in the movie 2 Fast 2 Furious Brian and Roman manage to take down Carter when they take a 'Mustang' on his boat. The 'Mustang' is so heavy and pungent that no one on the boat can possibly survive. Later, Brian shoots the already dead Carter in the shoulder and Monica grabs his 'shotgun' before he can make a move. Roman says "Stay in Miami!" to keep Brian out of trouble and that they should open a 'bike shop' to sell tight pants. Brian says "you ain't hungry" and shows Brian some 'shotgun' and 'mustang' he stored in his trousers.
Posted by pudbat
at 11:06 PM EDT
Tuesday, 10 June 2003
2 Fast 2 Furious
in the movie 2 Fast 2 Furious Brian (Paul Walker) and Roman (Tyrese) manage to take down Carter (Cole Hauser) when they take a Mustang and crash onto his boat. Brian shoots Carter in the shoulder and Monica (Eva Mendes) grabs his shotgun before he can make a move. Brian and Roman then give the money they were carrying for Carter to Agent Markham (James Remar). Roman says he's gonna stay in Miami to keep Brian out of trouble and that they should open a bike shop. Brian says how Roman says "we ain't hungry no more" and shows Brian some money he stored in his trousers.
ha ha i ruined your favorite movie.
just want to see if anyone reads this.
Posted by pudbat
at 12:04 AM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 10 June 2003 12:06 AM EDT
Wednesday, 28 May 2003
Ad space schmad space
The word "taxidermy" is derived from two ancient Greek words; taxis, meaning movement; and derma, meaning skin. Therefore, loosely translated, taxidermy means the movement of skin. This is a fairly appropriate definition as many taxidermy procedures involve removing the natural skin from the specimen, replacing this skin over an artificial body, and adjusting the skin until it appears lifelike.
Entries that employ animation, i.e., moving parts, voice boxes, etc., should try to make them as realistic and artistic as possible. Poorly executed or unnatural-appearing animated parts will result in lower scores than if the entry was not animated. If you choose to use animation, it must appear natural.
Freeze dry preservation of flesh may not be entered in this competition. Specifically, all parts of the specimen must be conventionally mounted or completely skinned, including the head, prepared, and then mounted over a mannikin prior to any freeze dry preservation to reduce shrinkage. (Freeze dried turkey heads will be accepted that have been skinned, then mounted on a form by the competitor, and freeze drying used only to control shrinkage. The competitor must be responsible for all finishing and painting.)
The technology of tanning is revealed in this detailed explanation of modern tanning procedures. Join bob as he demonstrates skinning and fleshing a rattlesnake, tanning the skin, pinning, oiling, and finishing the snake skin on a double felt border. Also covered is the skinning procedure for a small mammal (raccoon), followed by salting, brine/pickle, tanning with Lutan F, oiling, breaking, and softening. For the final project on this video, a full deer hide is tanned for a rug.
The existence of cannibalism is one of the most controversial issues in the archaeology of the American Southwest.
You will find that the inner walls of the clay vessels to have been thoroughly scraped and marred by the chipped ends of crushed bones. These are the bones of those fallen in battle and then used in rituals that involved cannibalism and tanning of the warriors flesh for use in ceremonial garb.
When I was 8 a friend of mine threw a rock at the side of a passing truck. It was loaded with tanks of gasoline and propane and when the rock hit the side of the truck, the driver got out and furiously scolded my friend. He repeated vehemently, "Boy, I am going to tan your ass. I will tan your ass!"
Naturally, growing up under the roof of a pacifist, I was puzzled. Tanning was an exclusively feminine preoccupation, as I understood it.
I am making a powerpoint presentation on the mantenance and conservation of taxidermy.
Posted by pudbat
at 9:38 PM EDT
Thursday, 22 May 2003
run over by a car.
Is this some sort of little orphan annie reference?
That was a punjab, too I think.
Geoffrey Holder. The coreographer.
Anyway, I guess there's some getting run over humor in all of us: Gradma and the reindeer, the whole warnerbrothers cartoon tiretread on the stomach, leatherface's brother, Aliens, Robin Williams in that stupid I'm a-goin' off ta heaven schtick.
If i get to the afterlife and I can say "It's everything I ever wanted in life, but couldn't have" something something something. I'd say kill me, but...
"Now I can live forever in the nursery rhyme world I loved as a child."
"Now I can murder as often as I always wanted to- minus all the sticky consequences! Bang!"
"I never got around to the chicken idea, now did I?"
See: starts getting wierd in no time.
Afterlife is incomprehensible.
He will not have a voice. I will not hear.
I learned today that Chipotle, the burrito chain, is owned by macdonalds. I hate everything. Must stop trusting the world. That place rules. The burritos are great.
Hey! What's up with the ITT commercial with the poet? Anybody catch that?
"And now my poetry is getting more personal."
Personal?
Is that really better?
Now I saw one where he reads a line of his poetry.
Bizarre.
Vive l'monstre.
Hit it with a car.
That's why I'm existentially concientious.
Posted by pudbat
at 4:02 PM EDT
Thursday, 15 May 2003
how'd you do that?
Mood:
 on fire
The woman turns to me and says, "How'd you do that?"
So I made the noise again, which was really no sampling of expert sound-production, but rather your everyday, run of the mill, "I'm bored as hell" mouth popping. Pop. pop. pop. Inhaling ever so slightly to get a little suction against dry lips as the jaw snaps into an open position.
"You're silly. I have three sons. They're all 6 feet tall. Like you."
Obviously the lonliest place in the world. Start spouting information about your family to me like I need to know so I can get my bagel.
I'll play along.
"Where are they?"
"One's in school. The others are working."
All I can think to say next is Pop. Pop. Pop.
Three bagels are getting ready to boil. One is filled with blueberries, while the other two have their blueberries evenly distributed throughout their mass. The filled one is a refugee from the Hostess pie outlet hiding out from his true owners in the unsuspecting bagel shop. He's not really a bagel at all.
The moral of the story:
Blueberry bagels are an abomination.
Posted by pudbat
at 2:49 PM EDT
Tuesday, 13 May 2003
cut my fingers aparrrt
My middle finger has been placed in a protective brace. It's hard not to be constantly flipping people off. Even without the brace. With it, my "birds" are more powerful. It's like the guantlet that lion-o wears to make the sword of omen grow. And grow. & grow. Those Kit and Kat twins. Surfboards.
I got my tetnis shot yesterday at the emergency room. Guy across from me had "the diabetes." Worse, however, was his new buddy, who was waiting for the boil on his foot to be lanced.
"Yeah, it's been full'a pus since last week, but it didn't hurt so bad then. Doc's gotta drain it. Take all that bad stuff out."
The world is a giant, pulsing, puss-filled boil.
So I got me a milkshake this afternoon to match my idiotic injury and subsequent "moron-bird." Hotfudge with peanut butter.
Cut the first nuckle from the tip on a sheet of zinc that I was filing the edges of. They sure were sharp! Yipes!!!
Got a ride to the ER from some asshole who gave me an F. Nice new station wagon, no warrenty. Waren't He? T-ball for softball. Softball coach. Nice guy...
Lady at the desk told me I might need stitches.
Nope, just a "super falcon."
"Wonder Eagle."
"Mega phuc ewe."
So now I'm healing.
You're all going to get cut fingers and I hope you all heal well. I can forget my troubles. More "Omega Flip!"
Dammit. Bad luck, to hell.
Posted by pudbat
at 5:27 PM EDT
Sunday, 11 May 2003
holy fargnoli
i was sitting around my apartment debating suicide when i saw this--
http://www.shadeytheatre.com/upcomer.htm
i shall now continue to live.
Posted by pudbat
at 4:35 PM EDT
Wednesday, 30 April 2003
And that's how I lost mine
There's a robot in everyone's garage. Everyone who has a garage owns a robot. Opens the door. I got me a transmitter and there's a way in if I squeeze real hard. There there now. Crying alot won't make a robot better, but the rust'll kill 'em if'n you let it. I got some oil cans like in wizard of oz, but there's no road home. Green horses. The mileage ain't good, but it smells worst ever.
Who likes a cheater when I could melt one?
Dogear those pages and get it back to me. I'm taking notes and you gotta let me in on some of that action. Five to one says the robots'll jump on my car and leave the whole thing pretty messed up. Squeeze real hard and get the boobot to pull up my barn door. Boobot.
I got three car garages that have basketball courts in 'em on my delivery route. I rooted 'em outta box a chex. Corn chex in the morning, wheat chex at night. There's a chex on my pox on my hex on my family. DOGEAR THAT!
Here, we can find her with this:
Who gets that last piece of smoked meatwad at the wake?
The kid who likes to eat meatwads.
Posted by pudbat
at 6:48 PM EDT
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