witty banter from nathan webringer

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What do three wombats, Riki Lake and a gallon jug of shredded ace bandage
 have in common?

Mel Gibson fucks them all and I hate him.

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If you type in the numbers 58008918 into a caculator and turn it upside down, you'll know Dolly Parton's address, phone number, bra size and swiss bank account access code. Once the action is performed, however, you must burn or submerge the caculator in order to jam the alert frequency that will automatically be sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Take great pains to keep this information secure and use it wisely.
I'm trusting you with this one.
Don't fuck it up just to know the bra size.
That's not what I did.

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Two firemen are standing in the firehall with their hands dunked into gallon drums of macaroni salad.
 "I don't think this is working" says the first, obviously exasperated.
 "Just be patient." whispers the second.
 "Wouldn't it have worked by now?"
 "We did exactly like the lady said and she dropped off the drums. It'll work. It has to."
 Moments later, Vishnu appears before them, incinerates them and eats all of the macaroni salad.

 More than two years after this horrific tragedy, firemen are still fishing around in 10 gallon drums of macaroni salad to find vishnu.

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So these two girls are stuffing a turkey, and the one says to the other,
"Do you ever do anything with the little bag of giblets?"
 "Yes, certainly! I make wonderful tasty cat food out of it. My fuzzball gobbles it up!"
 "Well then tell me how I managed to find the giblet bag from this turkey in my purse?!?"
 So the first lady pulls out a claw hammer and uses the clawside to take out the second lady's eyes.
 "Last time you turn my cat into a purse, you fucking blind bitch!"
 "Meow!"

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There's these three guys in an old rusty shark cage carefully observing a great white shark and the one says to the other two, "I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can piss all over that shark and he'll laugh out loud?"
 The other two guys just looked at one another perplexed-style and say "ok."
 So the guy opens the shark cage, swims out of it and gets eaten alive in a cloud of his own urine.
 "Fuck that guy!"
 "Fuckever."

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These three drunken truckers are racing uphill on a 3 lane highway, talking to one another via CB.
 "Go fuck your mother, you pansy-ass Freightlinerlover! Eat my staming shit for brunch!"
 "Not till you lick my naked hairy backfat off my greasy jumpsuit, Macksuckpump!"
 "You're both about to get a mouthfull of my Peterbuilts deiselfarts, shitlipers!"
 This went on for about five or ten minutes, the length of the incline.
 Then they were in a town called Scrotum.
 
I meant to say Scotrun. The town was called Scotrun.

I just thought it was called Scrotum, so I said that.

Sorry.
Truckdrivers fucking rock.

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Two stapels are in a deep, scarring wound. One says to the other, "Man I cant keep all this puss from leaking out all over the pants."
"Me neither, but that doesn't stop me from believing that I can make a difference. This wound is gonna heal eventually, dammit!"
Then a third staple says, "We're attached to an oozing sore!
I thought this was a pile of papers!
I feel sick!

Get me out of here! HELP!"

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Parhanas are swarming around two young anthropologists, nearing the point of thier frenzied attack. "Back off you raving bastards! I have a lighter!" Says one "Get away from her you bitch!" says the other. "Cover your eyes, baby" "Riply! I'm slipping!" "Don't let go, Newt!" "We can find her with this!" When they can't find her under the floor grating, they run down the long corridor and find that the elevator at the end of it seems broken. Hicks hits the button once, terror shooting through his eyes, as Riply sinks in the corner, crying. She can barely stand. Then, suddenly and suprisingly, all the pirhanas strike at once, devouring the anthropologists.